Nothing Extravagant

A few things I would change

I never thought I’d say this, but a part of me wishes I had cherished life a little more. I wish I was a little more outgoing in high school, instead of skipping school, hanging out with supposedly artistic people, and having a bad attitude toward my mom, graduation, college, and everything. I spent so much time pretending I was “finding myself” when all I was really doing was getting myself into trouble and wasting my time on people who didn’t deserve it. 

I have maybe two pictures in this world of me graduating. I never went to prom. I stopped participating in sports. To this day, I love soccer and tennis, and I’ll always regret giving up.

I stayed up until 3 and 4 in the morning to drink with much older people, neglecting my studies and looking for any excuse to feel numb. I took advantage of my mom and her kindness. I was recklessly using her car. I picked up smoking. 

After not getting into U.F., I gave up. I should have immediately applied to more colleges. Instead, I waited and barely got into U.C.F. 

After getting into U.C.F., I should have moved into a dorm or something, something normal. The lowest part of “finding myself” was moving into an apartment with a guy who told me he loved me. Then I successively watched his self esteem issues turn into anger and maliciousness. 

I should have saved all of my initial financial aid disbursement, instead of spending on stupid food and ridiculous knick knacks. I should have gotten a job immediately when getting to Orlando, instead of sitting around watching movies all day.

I wish I paid more attention to making friends. Because when all you have in this world is a childhood friend 2,000 miles away who probably feels indebted to you and a boyfriend whose professional life has to take the wheel for a little while, you get a little lonely. 

All you can do is call up immediate family members, if they’ll even answer, and listen to how their lives are progressing, while you feel like yours is in limbo. 

I watch videos of me singing, something I would have never traded for anything…and now I’m not even sure if I can sing like that anymore. 

It took me more than half of earning my degree in English to finally snap into it and realize that A’s are the only option. 

I suppose that if any bit of these past few years were changed, I wouldn’t be where or who I am today…but it would definitely ease the pain of remembering what a fool I was. 

So I’ve done a little bit of “hair soul-searching”, and I believe that all my self esteem issues will go away if I can grow my hair down to at least my waist line. How long this will take, I do not know, but I will triumph, eventually. I always said I wanted mermaid hair and now I need to go out there and get it, dammit! 

Summer To-do list:

• Make money: continue collecting obscene amount of shifts at IVP and/or seek second job for extra cash.
• Mentally prepare myself for doing even better next semester than I did this previous semester, academically.
• Travel: New Hampshire, New Orleans, a cruise…I don’t care anymore. 
• Do something FUN for me and my boyfriend’s birthdays. 
• Continue losing weight; I’m on a good path.
• Sell unneeded items on Ebay instead of literally donating EVERYTHING.
• Write.